How to Take a Tourist Photograph

I know you all are probably planning some FASCINATINGLY fascinating summer trips around the world. I support this. Even though you don't invite me, I support this. *ahem* Again, even though you don't invite me. . . [:)]

I have decided, then, that I should be a good person and give you a hint as to how to take vacation photographs.

STEP THE FIRST: Find a monument, landmark, or even something totally unimportant--but you need to have skill to pull the last one off.

STEP THE SECOND: Find some people to take the photo or be in it with you. For the reason of convenience, this will usually be a friend or family member. However, if you want to really get into the tourism spirit, I suggest pulling in a random person. Or six.

STEP THE THIRD: Find a pose! The two basic poses here are PERKY and FATIGUED.

• Fatigued: I suggest slumping, putting your head back, yawning, closing your eyes, falling over, etc.
• Perky: I suggest opening your mouth to a grotesque extent and then widening it, so that is may vaguely be fathomable as a smile. You may also pull up the fatigued person, preferably so that their feet dangle in the air, but basically in an enthusiastic manner. You must then decide upon a sign. I suggest either the peace sign or the Justin Bieber hand heart. You will then, preferably, repeat it in all your other pictures. In case you haven't already guessed, it will be advised that you open your eyes as far as they can. Spilling a cup of coffee is optional.
  
• Astonished: Anyone can adapt this, but if you haven't master it you will end up looking like a lazy perky person. This is an ideal expression for the other tourists that you pull into your photograph. It appears often in that it is sadly realistic.

STEP THE FOURTH: Prop time! Although you may bring in inanimate objects, like food, they are not nearly as fun as REAL LIVE PEOPLE!!! (see above) (NOTE: For food, I suggest lightheaded bliss or staggering appall.) Now that you have your other people with you, the fatigued people can slump on them, the perky people can point to them while mouthing unnecessary phrases, and the astonished people can stagger back at the sight of others of their kind.

STEP THE FIFTH: Now you're all set for traveling, except for one important point: what if you are the one taking the photograph?

• Perky: Shake the camera (in excitement!) or take at least seven photos.
• Fatigued: Focus on something to the far left of the photo scene and tilt the camera.
• Astonished: Take several pictures off-target just a bit--not as much as a fatigued person. You know, cut off the landmark or the people's heads.

I trust that you will now have much fun on your summer vacations.

Even though I am not coming with you. *sniff*